there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
