I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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