I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
