I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
