I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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