as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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