So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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