My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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