i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
