I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
