If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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