When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize