Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
