I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
