McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
