the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
