Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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