I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
