Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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