You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
