I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
