after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
my liver is dry heaving
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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