First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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