I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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