Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
