he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize