Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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