I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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