one two three fourrrrnication!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
