I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
