dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
