I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize