I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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