i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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