The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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