I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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