Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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