I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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