Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
