First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
50% drunk capacity currently
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
