Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
