Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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