I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I did not marry a roomba.
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