apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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