I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
