I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
