Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
