come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
