In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
