epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
