My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
