so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
