I faked an abortion last night.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
