did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize