I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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