I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm passing your future prison.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
