When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
