I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
