guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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