Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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