I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
