Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
