Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Randomize
