Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
