so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
