I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
