Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
